Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Crazy Gene Updated

Apparently, my first draft didn't meet my approval of the boss/wife. So there are some changes. For those of you that saw the first draft, congratulations, maybe it will come up again in blooper real.

I have decided to change up the schedule this week and instead of talking about the other side of my family(my mom's side), we will save that until next week and instead will be unsupervised and be talking about women! Usually, I have Jeanine(my wife) read the blogs before I post them, because I tend to be mean and sarcastic sometimes, but today we are unsupervised so I hope this goes well.

I am going to give all of you the secret to woman, so I will give you a minute to go get a pen and paper.


OK, so after many years of women in my life, my Mom, Mother-n-law,Grandmas, Aunts, friends, girlfriends, and girls I have come in contact with, I have found one thing to be true. You ready? All woman are NUTS! Now, before you get all sensitive let me say this. It's OK, because I have found the formula. You see I believe that women start off normal until they hit the age 23ish, at that point in time the crazy gene kicks in and that gene becomes more dominant the older a woman gets. Now, if you're a guy and you think there is no hope, do not despair, because there is hope. This crazy gene gets less dominant when the woman hits her 50's. You might be asking yourself, what do I do during the reign of the crazy gene? You just have to know how to play the game and deal with it, because the crazy woman in our life keep us men sane. I know, its a crazy, messed up concept but it is true. There might be times when we as men feel like we are going crazy because of the woman, but its just their crazy gene effecting us, so don't worry. Now, some of you women might be cursing at me or agreeing with me, either way, I'm right so get over it. To prove it I am going to give you some examples from my own life.

My beautiful wife just celebrated her 29th birthday and you know what that means. Yep, she is well into the crazy gene being a dominant part of our life. Just last week we were at dinner with her parents, and we were talking about her brothers honeymoon, and that they have decides to go to Las Vegas(nice!). I happen to be Dj'ing the wedding. During this conversation about the honeymoon, my wife tells her parents that since I am the DJ I feel that I should get a free ticket to Las Vegas as well....."WHAT?.......When did I say this?", I ask. She replies, "You didn't, but it sounded like something you would say." Are you as confused as I was? My wife is going around giving people messages from me, but it is only what she thinks I would say. Now, you might think this is funny and I might have overreacted,and I would agree, if this was the first time, but it is not. She has a habit of telling people and mostly her parents things that I might say, and even sometimes she tells the jokes that I might say about people in private(behind their backs) but she thinks it is funny enough to share with the world.....Crazy gene thank you so much for that. Even though she dirves me nuts sometimes/today she is still the love of my life and the mother of my child and we have fun during snuggle time, yes that's right, snuggle time. I am man enough to admit we have a nightly meeting in bed called snuggle time. If you have a problem with that I am man enought to kick your butt too.

My wife, as great as she is, does do the typical "crazy gene" greatest hits that other women do that you might be familiar with.

-I'm mad at you for what you did in my dream
-You should know what I am thinking
-Don't fart and pull the covers over my head

Things of that nature that we can all relate to as men or you women might recognize those as well.

Now, let me give you a story of a woman who is coming out of the dominant crazy gene period of her life. My mother-n-law is in her mid 50's and believe me when I first came around the crazy gene was in full effect. As she gets older and we hang out more, she is taking control and the crazy gene is becoming less and less dominant. For example, at that same dinner where Jeanine decided to play ventriloquist, Vicki (the in law), who is a teacher, decided to tell us about the NO GRINDING policy that the school is putting into action for the homecoming dance. For those of you that do not know what grinding is, then I say, Grandma I will tell you later. As she began to explain the video, she was very funny in her description. I thought to myself......AWESOME! I never in a million years thought I would be having this conversation with my mother-in-law. Oh man, it brings a smile to my face just reliving it in my head. So she is moving up the list in my book.

So men out there, I want you to go give your wife, girlfriend, or mom a hug and just tell them to hold on and we will get through this period of life together. If you have a teenage daughter prepare her for what is going to happen to her. The crazy gene gives us a test run with teenage hormones, but that is just the beginning. I hope this helps all of you confused souls out there. Until next week, have a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Half of me!

So now that all my immediate family has had a week dedicated to how crazy/special they are. It is time for me to dive into why? After doing research on family and why they act crazy and when I say research I mean watching Everybody Loves Raymond or King of Queens. I have come to realize that every family is crazy. Now, some families are more crazy than others but hopefully they have enough love to offset the craziness. It can be hard at times to have enough love because the crazy comes at you full force but it is the only way to get through it.

So, as most families I have a Mother and a Father and they both have families as well so there are two branches to this fun and crazy family tree. Both of these sides had a key part in the awesomeness which is ME. Today we will climb to the branch of my Fathers side.

Now before we dive into this let me say one thing. I love my Grandma.

So, my Dad's side of the family. He is 100% Mexican/Spanish as I told you last week and people of the Latin decent tend to be very passionate/loud about things. One of those passions is our food. I love the food I get when we go to Grandma's house. Authentic mexican food is pretty awesome. My Grandma is your typical Grandma, and by that I mean she will feed you until you explode. Which, is fine with me.

My Grandma grew up in a strict Pastor's home and brought those morals and rules to her family as well. When I was a kid we knew to respect my grandparents or else you would get smacked with a shoe. My grandparents had the room that no one could go into unless the President of the United States happened to drop by. Although, after many years that rule went away and we could hang out on those plastic covered couches. My uncles is also a Pastor and ran a pretty tight ship at his house. All of his kids are musical prodigies. Growing up they spent a lot of hours practicing because they had no TV, which was ok by them. Although, being a child of cable, it was a little weird for me. The funny part is if you got my cousins in the same room as a TV it was like an alien took over their body because they went comatose. You could not get any sign of life from them because they were sucked into TV Land. Apparently, not watching TV gets rid of the sarcasm jean and replaces it with the nice jean cause they are all pretty cool. Even though some of them get a little cocky and try and take my number 1 spot.

My oldest Aunt who has lived in Ohio since I can remember with her husband and two kids have their share of stories as well. When we were kids we used to go on vacations with them and my cousin Joey, wasn't always on his best behavior. To deal with him sometimes my Aunt and Uncle had this counting system, it was very exciting, cause when they got to the number 3. KAPOW! Now, you may be thinking to yourself a lot of parents count to 3 before they discipline their child. I agree, but this counting system lasted for 24 hours. If you were told one you were stuck on one and only had two more chances to screw up for the rest of the day. My grandpa, will probably deny this, but we used to place bets on what time the number three would pop up. It was good times. My cousin Joey is better now, he is a cool guy who knows everything about sports. My other cousin Missy is a Marine.

My youngest Aunt was like 14 or something when I was born so she was always the one who babysat me and my siblings. We formed a bond with he at an early age. I am sure we have a ton of stories about her babysitting, but we will save that for another time. As we all grew older she became a wife and a mother and started having "rules" of her own for her kids but I will always remember her as the 20 something babysitter who would hit parked cars and listen to the Phantom of the Opera until I wanted to kill myself.

Then we get to my Grandpa. What can I say about this guy! Well, besides my grandma I have most of my memories from him. As a kid, I would go over there on most Saturdays to help him, mow the lawn, build something, or do other forms of yard work. Now, you might be thinking it was slave labor, but you would be wrong because I would get meatball sandwiches at the end. You also might think that after spending most of those Saturdays helping him that I am quite the handy man.....WRONG...I tend to go to my own world when someone is teaching me something. I did however learn my fair share of Old Songs or songs that the slaves used to sing back in the day. Seriously, that wasn't a joke. My grandpa used to sing the greats like.

"My Momma don't tell me"
"Oh Danny Boy"
"Baby Got Back"

All sang by my Grandpa as we worked. My grandparents also took me on trips with them and we would stay in motels with 2 beds. One for me and one for them but late at night my Grandpa would take advantage of the free cable, you know, HBO. So most of this nights were spent with them watching TV and my Grandma holding a pillow over my face, so I couldn't see whatever it was they were watching. Awkward!

Lot of good memories with them, alot of craziness, but more love. Like I said love will equal it out. Maybe next time I will tell you about the time I beat up some kid who was picking on my cousin.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My Pops

For the final member of my immediate family we come to the anticipated story of my father. First, before we get into this I feel it important that we get a visual of my father's facial expressions as he reads this blog. Now, keep in mind he has no idea what is going to be written about him, but my father doesn't like not knowing what is going to be said about him so his facial expression will be this. The only thing you have to concentrate on is is eyes and eyebrows. I guarantee that while reading this he has his left eyebrow lifted up and his right eyebrow scouring down in a "you better be careful what you say look". Can you picture it? Well, this look is a famous one in our family and has been for many generations. I remember as a kid that you did not want to get that look because it meant you were tailing the line of trouble. Now, if you got the eyebrow look along with the c tightened lips than you better run. The eyebrow, however, has been passed down from generation to generation. My aunts and uncles use it, my grandma uses it, and I am sure her parents and grandparents used it as well. I remember as kid, I could not get my eyebrow to raise up like that without both of them raising. So what did I do? I spent most of my time in class training my eyebrow to raise on its own. Yes, my grades did suffer because of this but it was worth it.

My Pop is a great guy. He cares most in this world about his kids and luckily for me he will do a lot for us. He tends to come in handy, especially on the technology side of things. However, sometimes this love for his kids sometimes came to bite him in the butt. Let me share a story of how we used my father our own personal punching bag as kids.

Now, in order for this to make sense I have to explain how in the world kids could use there father as a punching bag. Wasn't he bigger than you? Yes, he was, but only until we hit about 13. My Dad is 100% Mexican/Spanish whatever you want to call it and 28 years ago when I was born, boy, was he big and MEXICAN. I look at pictures from back when I was a baby and look at my Dad and wonder how long it took him to hop that fence, or swim across that ocean. Now, before you get all huffy puffy I'm also Mexican so I can make racial comments. However, the older he gets the whiter he gets its actually quite amazing, but also with age he shrinks. So, this allowed us to beat on him. So as kids we didn't understand the term "too far" so someone would end up getting hurt. One sunny day my pop asked me to take out the garbage, so instead of doing it right away I decided I will go behind him and give him a great big bear hug for allowing me to take out the garbage. As I am bear hugging him I get really excited to take out the garbage so I decide lets lift him in the air so he understands my excitement for this trip with the garbage cans. Now, I have good jeans which makes me super strong kind of like a super hero, so as I lift my pop into the air and squeeze there might have been a couple ribs cracking. I heard a big loud pop and watch as my pop(haha) falls to the ground in pain. "Whoops, I'm going to go take out the garbage now!". It turns out I broke one of his ribs. It also turns out that maybe 5 years later my younger brother Ruben will do the same thing. It was an accident so don't make him out to be the martyr just yet he did get us back, but not in the way you would think.

A couple years pass by this breaking the ribs incident and I am coming of age, so what does every son look forward to with his father.....THE SEX TALK! Oh yes, now, I don't know if my brothers had the pleasure of going through this talk with my father, but let me tell you, revenge is best served cold and he knew that. Now, I am not going to go into detail on what he said, I am sure you can all use your imaginations but lets just say as uncomfortable as he seemed to be with it all he probably went out of his way to make it more uncomfortable. Word of advice to all you fathers and future fathers. When talking to your sons about sex, please do not use slang words or use hand motions, it will scar you kid for life.

Like I said my Pops is a great and funny guy and can take a joke most of the time( Que raised eyebrow), because when my brothers and sister get together with him he is usually at the butt end of our jokes. Why? because we love him.

So next week I haven't decided if I will move on to extended families as a whole because let me tell you, both sides have some great stories on their craziness, or if I should tell some good stories. See you then.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate Pt. II

If you are just joining us and are to lazy to go back and read the last blog, here is a brief explanation to catch you up. This post is a continuation of talking about the love and hate relationship that can be had within a family especially between brothers. Last week we dove into the world of my brother Matt who probably has a second life that we don't know about, because he never gives a straight answer. Just the other night, I was over there and asked him where he had been all day. The answer I got......"out". Ohhhh out! I thought you were hiding upstairs, so I proceeded to punch him in the gut for getting smart with me. See my belief is you can never be to old to beat on your brother to set him straight. I digress, let's go back to the comment I had about my brother Matt having a wife we don't know about. As much as we all thought he would be the one to do that, we had a curve ball, and was shocked by the news that it was my youngest brother Ruben Jr. who decided to pull that stunt. So lets meet Ruben.

The youngest of four, Ruben and I share 6 years between us. So growing up we really didn't have anything in common for we were both at different stages of life. However, as adults we have a lot in common and find ourselves hanging out a lot. You may be asking why did the youngest son get the Jr. name as opposed to the first born. All I have to say to that is, well, someone up there is looking out for me. Just kidding, Ruben is a great name........cough.......this is awkward.

So where were we? Ahh yes, so my brother Ruben. So, as a child my brother was probably one of the sweetest, nicest, and cutest kids you could ever meet. Then he hit 13 and we traded him in for a rude smelly teenager. Now, I don't know if I'm exaggerating a little because he was the only sibling I really got to see go through puberty without me going through it as well, but seriously the tude on that kid. However, there are some certain characteristics that he has that has been the same ever since he was a kid that makes his character in this life story funny.

Have you ever been watching a video or TV show and something happens that is really embarrassing for that person on the video? Well, my brother Ruben probably gets more embarrassed than the person that it is actually happening to. A good example would be the auditions of American Idol. He can not watch those episodes. He will sit in his chair with a pillow over his face and his ears, so he can have no part of this embarrassing act. It does it no justice to explain it, this is something you have to see for yourself. So I suggest if you're ever around him, play an embarrassing clip for him, sit back, and watch the fun.

Ruben, is also a Marine and served two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. We are very proud as a family that he did that. As a Marine, I am sure at war he saw some crazy stuff. So, I understand why he loves war movies which some of them can be pretty violent, but if any of those movies have a dog getting hurt, forget about it, he will not have any part of it. I am pretty sure if it came down to saving me or a random dog from getting hurt the dog would be typing this blog.

Over the last couple of years my brother and I have grown closer. While overseas he would tell me stuff he wouldn't tell our parents for the fact that they would get worried. I drove with him across the country, so that he didn't have to do it alone when he was going back to base. So, I would say we had a pretty open relationship....or so I thought. It was a Sunday night, I was at home with my son and wife, when I got a phone call from my Mother. She says to me in her excited voice, "You will never guess the news I have". I thought to myself, great mom found five bucks in her couch again. "Your brother Ruben is married, and has been married for the last year!". Now, don't get me wrong I love his wife, she is a great person, but seriously. So I proceeded to call my brother and my not so new sister-n-law and was like WTF(what the fudge, grandma). So after the initial shock, I was excited for them, but like I mentioned before I never saw this coming from Ruben. I can see Matt doing this but not my baby brother. On the bright side I get to hold this over him and his wife Erica for the rest of thier lives. It has supplied me with a fair share of zingers and free haircuts.

Stay tuned next week for the anticipated episode about the person who my brother Ruben was named after....dun dun dun!